Being a Virgin

As a young girl, I thought that I'd be a virgin when I got married because I always figured I'd be married really really young. By the time I got to 16, I realized that this probably wasn't going to happen, but I knew that I'd wait until I was at least 18 or 19. In my late 20's, I knew that I would never counsel my daughters to wait until they were married to have sex. Why you ask?

I was fortunate enough to grow up around a bunch of guys and gals who would openly talk about sex and their experiences, what worked and what didn't. Now, this is fascinating when you consider the fact that we were all from the Caribbean and had left the bosom of our fairly conservative families and were living in the US. Being away from all that was familiar made us bond and talk about things that maybe we never would have had we remained within the conservative environment we grew up in.

I had the pleasure of hearing young men ask young women about what they should know about the female anatomy and how they could make lovemaking better for their partners. I heard men talk openly about things that I would never have believed. It was a wonderful time for learning and exploring. One of the things I found so interesting is that for most of those young girls, the first time they had sex, they had wondered what all the exitement was about. None of them experienced those dizzying heights that you read about or see in movies or in porn.

For most these young women it took a little time before they began to realize the thrill of sex. As I began to explore this scenario, I realized that many things accounted for this. The first was that most of these girls didn't know what they liked, didn't like or wanted and these young boys were equally as clueless. Second, they had to get over the fact that they were doing something that they shouldn't have been doing or had been taught was wrong outside of marriage. Third, they didn't quite understand all the mechanics of their bodies and fourth, they weren't totally comfortable with themselves as sexual beings.

Now for girls who started having sex at say 18 or 19, by the time they hit their mid-20's they pretty much had a handle on things and life began to get a lot better in the sack. They no longer had sex just to please the guy or because it was expected of them. They knew what they wanted and finally began to get why there was so much excitement about the whole thing. By the time, these women got into their 30's and had gained a few pounds and had some kids, things got ever better because they had become truly comfortable with themselves.

Now, why would I want my daughter to have her wedding night be akward, uncomfortable and something that she remembered for the rest of her life as less than spectacular. So, while I'll counsel her to wait until I think she's emotionally ready to handle a physical relationship, I'll sure as hell be telling her to take the car for a spin before plonking down her hard earned cash to buy a Mercedes and then find out that she's gotten a Geo instead.

What kind of christian am I

In the last few days I've really had to sit and think and confront what kind of Christian I really am. For a long time I was really scared to tell people what I thought because I believed they would either think I wasn't holy enough or think I was preaching at them. I realized a few years ago that I really should live my life with integrity. I had been led to live a fuller life in Christ because I'd seen others doing it and thought that it worked really well for them so maybe I should give it a try. I'm not always successful, but each day I try.

I sat and began to think about some of my friends and they kinds of things they do and say and still profess to be christians. I then realized that some of these friends would talk with me and try to get me to understand their point of view because they felt that since we were both christians I should feel the same way they did. This began to disturb me more and more and as the years have worn on I've refused to stand idly by and allow anyone to believe that I'm giving credence to some of the ideas that they believe and hold dear.

So, let me confront some of these issues head on. Homosexuals and gays. My belief: Leave them the hell alone, they have not bothered you so please don't bother them. They wish to live their lives in peace and tranquility just like you. It's not going to make a better person to think that anyone is beneath your dignity. My second belief, they were born that way. Homosexuals are not suddenly made, they were created that way and no-one has the right to judge any of God's creations. You know the old testaments speaks extensively about the ills of homosexuality, yet Jesus never ever took on the topic. Since he didn't say that I should hold anyone separate, but he did say I should love everyone, decision made, end of story.

I realized that as I had grown older, I'd developed a very practical type of christianity, I know that many beleive that the tenets of christianity are not negotiable and I beleive that, but I also know that to live peaceably in a world where many people belive many things, you need to find an approach that allows you to live in the world without isolating yourself and surrounding yourself only with those who think like you do. That is a recipe for mental inbreeding. The idea of being educated is to allow yourself to see many sides and then to make a decision based on a thorough evaluation of all the facts and ideas.

The MJ trial

What is wrong with this boy? Has he totally lost his mind. It was cool in the 80's that he was a little different, but now the whole situation is just sad. His family needs to just slap him upside his head and tell him that he needs help. The sad part is that the whole world sees what's happening and his family is behaving as if everything is normal. Michael is the king of "spin" and he's not as dumb as a lot of folk think he is.

A lot of comedians and media persons have had jokes and things to say and so much of it is on target. A few years back, Oprah said that it is not okay for a grown ass man to be in bed with children, especially those not his own. Then a few nights ago, Bill Mahrer was on Jay Leno and said that he never did Michael Jackson jokes becuase he never really knew if he did sleep with little boys or not. He did say that in the last few weeks, he's realized that he does date them. Now on the surface this is all funny, but it's a really serious state of affairs.

I'm 35 years old and love children and like to hang out and talk with them, but if I have a choice, I much prefer talking with adults with whom I have something in common. How does a man of 45 spend time only with little boys whom he has to buy and shower with stuff. The rest of the world sees that all is not well and in the words fo Willy..."something is rotten in Denmark."

On Terry Schiavo

Am I the only one who felt sorry for this woman's husband. When I first started following the case I didn't know what to think. As I found out more, i was convinced that he was in it for the money and just wanted to the woman dead so that he could collect cash and move on. The more I thought about the case was the more confusing it became for me. I just want to put my philosophy out there.

A man marries a womn who becomes tragically ill. Not believing that his soul mate will be gone from him forever, he spends 5 years educating himself about how to care for her and does a great job. He conveniently decides that he will not honor her wishes of not living the life of a vegetable because he wants to believe that she'll come back to him one day. After 5 years, he realizes as doctors have been telling him that there really is no hope of her ever coming back. He must then make the decision to honor her wishes and allow her to die in as dignified a manner as possible. Once she's gone he's now going to have to rebuild his life and start a new one without his soul mate.

Enter his soul mate's parents who have decided that they are not willing to let her go because they think there's still hope. The husband must now decide if he's going to continue dishonoring his soul mate's wishes or hand her over to her parents to continue the travesty. He opts to honor her wishes. In doing so, he exhausts funds that he would have gotten. The courts become involved and the battle continues for 10 years. Having left his union spirtuall and psychologically, he starts a new family with someone else.

She is finally allowed cross over even though it is done in a most inhumane way be removing water and allowing her to dehydrate to death.

There is no happy situation in this story. Everyone believes he should have divorced his wife, moved on and given her to her parents so that they could take care of her. As I told a friend of mine when we spoke about this, when we decide to judge this husband, we should not do so from where we stand, instead we must put ourselves in his shoes and then see how we'd feel about making some of the decisions that he has had to make. I cannot make any comment about what I'd do. I learned a long time ago, that once you walk a mile in someone else's shoes the decisions you make are often not those you'd ever have thought you'd make before.

Right Wing Christians

I have finally realized that age has nothing to do with common sense and that religion is truly the opium of the masses. Recently I had an encounter with a friend that truly shocked me. Let me give some background. Coming from Jamaica where affiliation with your political party is akin to religion, when I came to the US, I was pleasantly surprised at how rationally people approached their politics. Because I've spent most of my time either in school or working in a University environment, I'm always surrounded by scholars and intellectuals (don't worry, I'm not classifying myself as one of them). I've always appreciated how people examined the issues and made informed decisions based on the facts they had. You didn't simply vote democrat or republican because that's your party affiliaton, instead you looked at the best candidate and the one who most closely aligned with your views and then you voted. Love the system, think it's great, allows you to use your brain.

Then we have 9-11 and suddenly people's ability to reason goes through the door. Last year I was astounded at how seemingly reasonable and intelligent invidivuals could not see past the drivel that was being shovelled at us daily by the government, instead all they could see that we were going to be attacked by terrorists. Okay, then I wanted to yell at them, then we should go after the terrorists and not use smoke screens to blow things up the voters a--es.

Then there was the issue that drove it home for me - allowing lesbians and gays to get married. Everyone got all up in arms about how the fabric of the country was going to be destroyed if they were allowed to be married legally. Now these are people that are already living together, paying taxes, raising families and are already a part of the fabric. How the heck was a piece of paper going to change that? But I guess that since I'm a liberal and truly believe that gay people are born that way and we need to accept that - I guess I'm also one of those people destroying the fabric of the community.

What upset me was that some of these conservatives are espousing thier views so strongly that thier children are going into schools and spewing their parents venom at other children. I wonder how parents feel when your child is responsible for shattering a child's illusion and sense of security because of your views. I'm not saying that you shouldn't teach your child morality and a sense of values but there is a way for you to do this and have your child live tolerantly with those of differing views. While being gay may not be a value you choose to espouse and embrace, your children need to understand that this is not something your family believes in and give the child reasons why. You then further explain that you don't tell anyone that their or their families life is wrong because utlimtely we'll all be judged by God. This way you've passed on your message and taught them how to be tolerant. We as black people must be especially sensitive to this since 50 years ago, we were the ones bearing the brunt of discrimination that we so blithely now cover gays and lesbians with.

Also, I can't always equate morality with leadership. Our current leader claims to be moral yet he has no issue with continuing to condemn thousands of young people to death so that he can win a fight his Dad lost and control some oil while Osama is still running around Afghanistan hauling an oxygen tank behind him. Right wing christians are way too distracted by minutiae. They need to stop, look and examine the facts before they keep running off half cocked and making decisions that we'll only live to regret in the days to come.

A new Pope

Okay, maybe the word "we" isn't the most accurate one that I could use since I'm not Catholic. I always tell people that I'm Catholic lite. I was brought up in the Anglican or as they say here in the US, Episcopalian Church. Everything is essentially the same as the Catholic church except our priests marry and the hierarchy is more inclusive of women.

I like everyone else have been very caught up in this whole Pope thing. At 35, Pope John Paul is really the only Pope I remember. I vaguely remember the guy before him coming in and keeling over in no time but John Paul has been a veritable institution. I've always been fascinated by the Pope and his leadership of the church. I've never understood how a man who's never been married, essentially never really had to deal with the day to day trials of working for a living, making ends meet and supporting a family makes decisions that affect millions of people. This is a job that states that people must practice natural birth control - the most unreliable method of contraception known to man because it is impossible to truly control your cycle as any woman will tell you. I'm living proof. I was practicing natural birth control, the result of which is my wonderful son who I wouldn't trade for the world.

But how does someone who has never been married counsel people about being married. How does someone who has never parented or stayed up late at night wondering about the seed of your loin tell someone else how to raise their child and how to feel about them. It has always been very strange for me.

Then there's the whole church scandal thing with the priests and the little boys. Everyone knew the priests and nuns were having sex, it had been happening for years, but the fact that the church seemed to cover up the fact that children were being abused just seemed wrong to me. Humans are sexual creatures, it's the way we are made and for a very specific reason - the perpetuation of the human race. When we attempt to deny this most basic need (as stated by Maslow, Food, water, air and sex are the basic needs), it leads to a myriad of issues. Another interesting fact is the notion of celibacy. Nowhere in the bible are we asked to be celibate for the purpose of religious life. Many people don't know this but priests used to marry. Some insane Pope, I'm assuming that he was either impotent or truly bitter about some woman decided in the 6th century that priests would no longer marry. This is a church law not a religious law. For those who are offended by my comments aobut the insanity thing, you give me a reason for this silly law.

I was watching a documentary about priests which stated that part of the issue of molestation came about because young boys were put into the seminary at 13 so they were sexually immature. As a result of the stunting of the sexual growth and thier now extended association with boys, they assoicated sex with boys and boys of 13. It makes sense if you think that boys generally marry women that either remind them of their mother or some woman who had an inpact on them in their youth and girls look for a younger version of their Dad's. It's just weird that spiritual leaders and the Catholic church would spawn an entire group of miscreants and pedofiles.

Anyway, I don't want to bash anybody's religion or faith, that's not my aim, it's just that I've always wondered. At 15, I left my confirmation class because Father Thompson told me that a couple who were married but not going to church, raising their children as christians and cheating on each other was a more blessed union than a non-married couple who were raising God-fearing children and totally committed to each other. I told him that I couldn't be part of a church from whom I had such a divergent view. I think he was shocked that a 15 year old could be so bold. I further told him that the church didn't bless a union, God did. And that if he thought that because people stood in church and declared themself in front of him and a few guests that that was made the union blessed then he was sadly mistaken. I eventually did reconcile some of my annoyance with the church and finally became confirmed at 18.

Whew, guess I had a lot to say on this topic. I hope that Pope Benedict XVI does his religion, his race (human), the church and the office proud. You'll notice that he's 78 and not in his 60's like John Paul, I don't think they want to have another Pope for 25 years. The job is designed to last a few years not a generation. I take it that they figure that at 78, he has maybe about 10 years before he joins John Paul in eternal slumber.

I'll pray for him and hope that he makes good decisions. The world is in a very bad way and for those who follow his teachings and doctrine strictly, he needs to make sure that he leads them well.

Nuff said.